What I’ve Learned Working with Adolescents
Adolescent years are some of the most formative and developmentally influential years in a person’s life. Brand new dynamics of social awareness and sexuality emerge, along with unprecedented physical changes. Many parents are shocked by the rapid changes they observe in their children, as all these factors converge in a short period of time. Studying this life stage from a human development perspective and combining it with direct experience over the past two years, has given me some hard-earned insight into the behavior of adolescents. Here are some of those lessons:
Their brains are not wired to consider others - During this period, an adolescent brain has not yet evolved to consider another person's perspective, the same way an adult would. That does not mean they are incapable of empathy (although they may struggle with it at times), but it does mean they are more likely to act recklessly without considering their impact or the consequences of their actions on others. This can manifest in behaviors such as being destructive, being messy, or generally causing trouble.
They are physically programmed to bond with others - Developmentally, adolescents' enhanced drive to develop intimate friendships is argued to have evolutionary roots. The theory goes that these coming-of-age years are critical in developing social bonds that enhance their chances to survive and thrive. During our hunter-gatherer days, a strong social network would ensure security in the form of reciprocal relationships, gaining access to resources, more opportunities to mate, and physical security from outside threats. Those who were socially isolated were less likely to survive in an environment rife with physical violence and intense competition for resources. This social bonding “program” begins operating during this life-stage.
They are more capable than our society gives them credit for - In my experience, most teens are itching for the chance to show that they are mature and capable. They want to be trusted and are typically willing to earn it. Parents rejoice! This could be a green light to encourage your children to contribute to running the household. However, this must be done with care. While they crave responsibility, they also crave independence, and will test their boundaries from every angle. Anecdotally, I’ve found that trusting them to get a task completed, and consistently providing positive and negative reinforcement can create responsible young adults.
They can smell a fake from a mile away - Anyone who has half-heartedly scolded a teenager can attest that they usually see right through feigned emotion. Teens are quite capable of determining genuineness of intent. For example, if your child did not do their laundry as you had requested, but you just can’t bring yourself to care in the moment, then say so! Something like the following can go a long way: “You know you were supposed to finish the laundry, but I’m too busy to address that right now... Just know that it’s not ok, and if it’s not done soon, we will have to discuss it.” This can be much more effective than half-heartedly attempting discipline, as you will likely be ignored. Worse than that, they will soon regard your shows of authority as empty and meaningless.
They respond to stern but educational intervention - Basically they want to be treated like adults, without being told what to do. This ties back to the last point about backing up your words with genuine intent. Teens are hyper aware of conceptual fairness. If they believe they are unjustly, being punished or scolded, they are likely to become angered. However, in my experience, this often occurs when they do not fully understand the rules they have broken. Simply taking the time to explain why they may need to alter their behavior can save time, energy, and potentially a fight.
They require physical exercise and physical contact - Never has this been more important. During the onset of Covid and social distancing, many organizations, and school settings installed policies based on maximizing personal space and limiting physical contact. This has been developmentally harmful to human beings of all ages, especially children. In short, we all need physical contact to coregulate, bond, and generally feel happy. In addition, adolescents are often full of energy. Physical exercise, spending time outside, and playing sports can all help channel this excess energy into a positive direction. Left unused, this energy can manifest as mischievousness, or worse yet, mental health issues. It is best to limit phone, TV, and video game time, and encourage teens to get outside and get moving.
Most people recognize that healthily navigating the adolescent years can have an extraordinary impact on the trajectory of one’s life. If done correctly, these years are often looked back upon fondly. As counselors, parents, and educators, it is more important than ever that we focus on healthy development for our teens. Mental health issues for this population are skyrocketing, and it is up to us to do something about it. I believe that journey starts with educating ourselves on how to foster healthy habits. Leading by example and fostering positive qualities in our youth can help us create a better future for all involved.
